Am I not supposed to be giddy with excitement that I am about to go off on a big adventure exploring new countries and meeting new people?
I am of course, but when sat in the silence I can hear a teeny, tiny, little voice. It tells me to feel bad for my choice, because I am choosing to leave certain people behind and HOW COULD YOU!?!
Now don’t get me wrong I am beyond excited and it’s going to take a lot more than a little guilt gremlin to sway me otherwise. But it’s after those moments with your loved ones when they say something along the lines of “why are you going?” “you should just stay.” or “you’re running away.”
I know these are not said with malicious intent, I know they are said because that person will miss me. But it gives that guilt gremlin a little more fuel to it’s match stick size fire. And yes, I am down playing it’s significance, in all honesty the desire to travel greatly outweighs the guilt but I am writing this after a day spent sliding down a spiral of negativity after hearing exactly those thoughts from people.
In no way am I blaming these people, I am taking full responsibility for the affects. In many ways it’s partly due to my past (Boy, that’s a whole other series of unfortunate events!) I’ve certainly got an embarrassing history of allowing others to control what I do and when I do it – I am no longer surrounded by such people, but still deal with the residual affects it has left with me.
Luckily I do have some great people around me who reassure me I am doing the right thing. A very dear friend of mine who I always discuss my dilemmas with said, “We can’t do everything, we have to pick a path to go down which means we won’t go down all the paths – and that’s just the way it is.” You can’t beat his no b*llsh*t responses!
I think what he says just sums it up. it’s all about doing things and living exactly how you want to – otherwise who are you living for?