This list was born from a history of people telling me what I could and couldn’t do. A Dad who dictated everything to do with my family, abusive boyfriends, and other boyfriends who managed to persuade me out of my dreams and goals. I take some responsibility for allowing this to happen. But I also accept I was a product of my environment and who I was around. It’s taken years to undo what I learned. I was raised to be submissive, passive and cater for those around me, to not stand up for what I want, and if I dared, I would be ‘put in my place’. I don’t consider myself a victim, nor do I hark on about the past. I acknowledge the experiences I have had. I work through what they cause. I learn the lessons and try to let go.
One day I realised I was pretty caught up on the fact there were so many things, some massive, some tiny, that I was never allowed to do because of several people. So I grabbed my phone and made a list of all the things I wanted to do/try/accomplish that I didn’t get the chance to during the darker years.
I didn’t know what to call this list. It wasn’t a Bucket List by any means. When I initially wrote the list it was not filled with grand, life-changing experiences that I MUST do before I die. No, it was actually much more pathetic than that. It was smaller things like.. (a lil sample for y’all)
- Live in London
- Solo travel
- Move to Leeds
- Shave my head
- Go to therapy
and so on… These were things to do NOW. It was a back log of experiences I still wanted to have. So I got cracking on it!
Previously I have been embarrassed by this list, to expose it to people to show them I was working through a to – do of all the things I was denied.
But. Guess what? I have completed this list.
So. It’s not a Bucket List. What do I call it? Well, I was in a rush writing the list in the first place so I quickly came up with the oh so extremely inventive and creative name The F*ckit List.
Okay, it’s not that inventive, but it’s punchy and amuses me.
Before 2019 ended I extended the list. I included much BIGGER goals. Go big or go home right!?
This list was born out of darkness (insert Bane puns here) but it’s become a great tool and motivation to inspire me to keep saying yes to things and to do what I want when I want!
Photo Credit: Unsplash
