A Satirical Survival Guide to Covid-19

Leave the pub, cancel the gym membership, learn to love pasta, say goodbye to your friends and bunker down for the time of your life.

Like it or lump it, were in for several months of social distancing, no work, no friends, no family and no fun!? – It doesn’t have to be that way!

This light-hearted satirical post will guide you towards a path of oneness and enlightenment during your time in isolation.

Step 1: What financial problem!? No work? sounds to us like an unprecedented vacation! Squash all those panics and sleepless nights about money down into the pit of your stomach. Bottle it up and put it in the anxiety pantry hidden in your chest cavity next to the bag of self loathing flour. Succumb to the warm wave of blissful ignorance let it wash over you as you tape up your letterbox and avoid any incoming bills. This guide is gonna help you CHILLAX!

Step 2: It’s the perfect time to… Didn’t you only last week moan about how little time you had to do the things you were interested in? Now you have been gifted potentially 3 months of uninterrupted time to do with it what you please. Yoga? Clean out the basement? Learn a language? The quarantined world is your oyster, AND you can do all this from the comfort of your own home. Because let’s face it, we’re not allowed outside.

Step 3: Netflix and chill… Alone. We recommend a diet of entertainment. Cycling between Netflix, TV, Amazon Prime and YouTube will offer you a balanced and varied diet of media consumption that will keep you nourished and energised throughout your stay… at home.

Step 4: Achieve true enlightenment. Now we all know why many people were skeptical at first. The thought of being isolated for months on end with barely any human contact sounds like a nightmare. But we can assure you this is the perfect opportunity for you to finally address all those hidden demons within your head and your heart that you avoided for all those years through never spending time alone, drinking and drug taking. Now is the time to look within and to do battle with all the monsters that surface in the silence of your empty homes.

Step 5: Take up fasting. The Prophet Mohammad, Jesus and Buddha all agreed on one thing. Fasting. And you too can reap the benefits during this time of isolation because there isn’t any food to buy anyway and you have no choice. Happy fasting!

So there you have it, a comprehensive guide to making your isolation the best time of your life. #isolation4thenation.

Dust off your Quentin Quarantino box set, make yourself a Quarantini cocktail and wait for it to all blow over!

Photo by Valeriia Bugaiova on Unsplash

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