Pastey White In Portugal

If I needed reminding how extremely pale my skin is… Portugal is the place to go.

This was the first leg of my spontaneous adventure in Europe with Tucker.

He lived in Seville, Spain. But it was mad spenny to fly from Leeds Bradford airport to Seville. Yet peanuts to fly to Faro in Portugal. Classic. Brits flying to the cheapo Algarve for an all inclusive sun seekers slob.

Now, Tucker is from America. And we all know Americans and their road trips right!? They will go on 10 hour road trips like its nothing! In the UK, if we have to drive longer than 20 minutes we’re packing snacks, supplies, emergency survival kits, were contacting Bear Grylls, we’re saying goodbye to our loved ones. Like anything longer than that and it’s a mission we are going to moan about. So Tucker says it’s a 2 hour drive to Faro from Seville across the boarder. What!? You’d do that? for little old me? Yeah? It’s nothing to him. Mad man. And he’d just been sky diving beforehand!

So he picks me up at the airport it is roasting hot. I’m dying. At this point I was not as carefree as I like to think I am nowadays. I’ll admit when he said lets go snorkelling before we get back to Seville. My mind screamed Pardon!? (hey, I am polite still)

We stopped at a pharmacy to get wet wipes so I could take my make-up off, That was a language barrier and a half. At one point they thought I was telling them I was pregnant! No I just want to wash the lies off my face before the sea does me an injustice.

We arrive at this lovely beach around 4/5pm It’s small and perfect with great views although I think the sun set the other way so it was kinda like lights off over the sea rather than an amazing sunset reflected in the water.

Every single human on that beach was a European wet dream. Deep tans, dark brown/black luscious hair, toned bodies. My God. And here’s me, pastel pink hair, neon white skin, blacker than black tattoos scattered all over. I could not of stuck out more if I tried. Oh yes I could, I was wearing a neon orange leopard print bikini for fuck sake. Blending in? what’s that? Don’t know her.

Me and my skin is a tricky relationship, we’re learning to love each other. We are learning to ignore everyone’s comments about how white I am. They’re never actually mean comments. They’re just “OH you’re actually really white” comments. No Shizer! But we’re learning to embrace glowing in the dark and blinding people in the sun. Let’s pretend people are just jealous okay?

The sea at this beach was trash. Sorry Algarve. You stink. There was more seaweed than water making it a merky soup of tangled green spaghetti wrapping round your legs pulling you under (hopefully to Atlantis).

I bobbed around feeling safe and hidden from the stares, I can hide in the seaweed like the gross pale sea monster I am. When I got out of course all the seaweed stuck to me. Climbing out the sea as the weeds pulled me back, thrashing at my legs to set myself free. Baywatch called they want their leading lady back 😉

What a sight, Tucker wrapped me in a huge towel thank jeeebus so I could hide my cold slippery seaweed limbs.

Later that night we had Indian food and drove home to Seville. We only spent about 5 or 6 hours in Portugal.

Photo by Shane Stagner on Unsplash