My Letter To Dad

The title seems pretty simple.

To the point.

But putting the ‘my’ in front of ‘letter’ instead of in front of Dad makes me feel better.

‘Letter to MY Dad’ makes me feel ewwy gross. It makes the relationship between him and I closer than what I’d want to portray. Or am I just over thinking it?

I haven’t spoken to my Dad for about 5/6 years now. The best 5/6 years of my life hands down! Due to not speaking to him and some other factors.

When my Mum and Dad divorced I was so happy. I was so excited for my Mum to finally be free from him and be extension my sister and I to be free also.

Life starts now for all of us!

Those 5/6 years have been spent healing from the abuse we endured from him. Therapy sessions, reading self help books, daily visits to Buddhist temples, medication, lengthy and painful discussions revealing the horrors behind closed doors we had kept bottled up for decades.

It’s an on going healing that will only improve as time goes on, but we won’t forget what we went through. I often think, how would I be as a person had I not suffered through a childhood with a narcissistic socio-path for a father. But what’s the point? It’s a shame I have gone through what I have over the years with various individuals but I have crawled my way out and I am so proud of who I have become.

Whenever I bring up the past it is now for context. To explain my present behaviours or opinions on things. The past only haunts me through a few PTSD issues I am still working on. I feel the need to explain why certain situations cause irrational responses from myself due to past traumas. But it’s not from a victim stance. It’s simply cause and effect and I know what triggers me and I can rationally sort it out before it gets too much. Now that’s growth 😉

All these wonderful years later and I felt compelled to finally write a letter to my Dad. Growing up with him I was the quiet one of the family. I was timid, shy, didn’t really say or do much – or at least that’s what he thought. That was how I acted around him. But whenever I was not around him I came alive!

So, this letter was for me to finally tell him what I thought of him. To demonstrate to him that I was not some ‘loser’ or ‘cretin’ (his favourite word for me) that was going to amount to nothing.

There was so much to say, it was hard to structure. But I ended up reverting back to my informal sarcastic writing ways and spoke directly to him as if I was speaking to him. I wrote everything I ever wanted to say and it flowed now that I have grown in courage and confidence. I highlighted situations and moments from the past that he thought I knew nothing about. I exposed what his family, friends and neighbours truly thought of him and I did not hold back.

4 pages deep, I put it in an envelope, stuck a stamp on and posted it. But, when I posted it this strange physical response happened. I started to really panic, shaking, I felt sick and dizzy. This lasted for a couple of hours it was so strange! A friend of mine, suggested that perhaps I was physically reacting as if I had said those things in the letter to his face. He asked how would your Dad react if you said it directly to him. I said I think he would kill me.

It’s been a month or so since I sent the letter. I don’t feel anything now. Not even a sense of freedom. I feel normal and fine 🙂 But that letter was something I always wanted to do. I had thoughts to send a letter at several points throughout the last few years but I wasn’t as healed then and I would have held back.

Not now.

Photo by Siora Photography on Unsplash