Self-Sabotaging My Move To Taiwan?

I’ve been trying to put into words the feelings and thoughts about this situation. It creates endless ramblings about how I feel over daily things or smaller, one-off events. But it’s more than that. my emotions are currently bubbling below surface level, I am feeling nostalgic for the present as I try to spend as much time with friends and family as possible before I move.

Rupaul’s Drag Race always highlights when the queens get in their own way, their ‘self-sabotaging’ behaviour that makes them mess up and second guess their abilities, resulting in leaving the competition.

I didn’t think the idea of being a self saboteur applied to me. But I’ve been doing my research this morning and I think it might ring true. Eeeek!

“Selfsabotage involves behaviours or thoughts that keep you away from what you desire most in life.”

One website says it comes from early life experiences. As soon as I read that, I thought, Oh balls! Then it’s defo me! From a young age my Dad always told me and my sister we were fat and stupid and would never amount to anything. I would live in my own shit and be a cretin my wholeeeeeeee life. Cheers Dad.

I like to think I didn’t internalise that, but that would be a dumb thought. Of course I would have! Can’t hear that every day as a little kiddo and not start to believe it. And then carry it on through life. Duhhhhh.

I believe this is part of why now as my move to Taiwan grows ever closer, I am beginning to find reasons as to why I should not do it and I should stay. Which is absurd. My brain is literally clutching at straws here. When, even from an analytical point of view, the pros of moving, far out way the cons, sure it’s going to be tough and I am sure I will cry at some point but big risks can offer bigger pay offs.

My silly brain is thinking “The UK isn’t so badddd, who needs a big adventure?”

“You’ve only wanted to do this forever, let’s just not do it, it’s easier to just not do it.”

“You can’t leave everyone behind, that’s not a very nice thing to do, plus, you’ll miss doing things with them and seeing people grow up.”

I am trying to justify my worries through such thoughts. I am worried I won’t like it and I won’t make friends and won’t fit in, but how will I know if I don’t try it!?

I am trying to remind myself whenever I catch the sabotaging thoughts coming in, that it is an exciting adventure that I have wanted to do for years and it will be a great experience regardless of what happens.

Another part of all this is the FOMO. The fear of missing out on what my friends and family are up to. But realistically if I stuck around, close to them, I would be hindering my own growth and life, I would only progress so far. And everyone else is going to get on with their lives with or without me, so I should do the same. And those friends and family who find value in me will stick around. 🙂

Photo by Alexiaa Sim on Unsplash