3 months off work, good idea I thought. Before I do a big move, good idea I thought. Gives me lots of time to do all my admin, packing and sorting, brilliant idea I thought!
I HATE being unemployed. Or having too much time off. Too much time between gigs. Too much time in the day to spiral down into an overthinking abyss.
I used to be like this during University. 8 hours of lectures a week was not enough to occupy my hypervigilant PTSD-esk brain. So knowing thyself and all that, I structured my 3 months of unemployment into an opportunity to develop with workouts, language learning, reading and writing… It’s worked to some degree for sure. But it just isn’t enough.
Everyday is the same. Wake up feeling pretty good, raring to go, jump out of bed ready to carpe all the diems. Then I complete all my tasks and errands (I can only clean the whole house so many times a week) and then the slow decent down the striped black and white twisting spiral of frustration, anxiety and restlessness as I struggle to fill my time. The monkey in my mind starts to crash and bang around questioning our entire existence and all of our choices in life. Misery ensues. The only escape is a nap. That’s pretty bad if the only remedy is to fall unconscious. Put the monkey to bed, let the subconscious night janitor quietly get on with their job. And if we’re lucky, we wake up with enough time to waste time making dinner then hang on until bedtime and we can become unconscious again. What a way to live hey?
This time around, I am already pretty volatile in thee old emotions department. What with a huge life change happening in 51 days (who’s counting?) I’m up, I’m down, crying, laughing, then a weird laugh-cry-panic attack whilst eating pasta situation? Eh?
But let’s add to that, lots and lots and lots of time to do nothing but THINK. Here’s where my mind went:
Why am I moving to Taiwan? What is the point? Staying in the UK is easier? Let’s just bail! I feel like Taiwan is a waste of time. What could I possibly gain from moving abroad. When am I going to come back to the UK? Shall I go to my home town now? I might message everyone. Why aren’t they replying??? They must hate me! I’m going to try to nap. I can’t nap I am too worked up. Let’s google every possible life direction and make plan A through to Z just in case. Let’s phone Mum and talk about the same problem over and over. Why can I not just relax and chill? Why Taiwan again!?!
Omg. Shut up right!?
Of course I am then wondering what is the root cause of all these feelings of doubt and worry.
100% because I am unemployed with nothing to do. If I was busy I would be happy and my mind would be chill.
This is why I like working in Education so much. It’s the perfect amount of work and takes up enough brain space to keep Mr Monkey occupied. Then when it comes to evenings, weekends, breaks, I am actually excited for them and welcome the rest.
KNOW THYSELF Ya dun kno.