Or, at least I hope!
So I pulled the plug on Taiwan. My weighed up pros and cons of the decision showed the only con for doing this was the embarrassment of having to tell people AGAIN that my plans had fallen through. Which they hadn’t, I was in control of this decision I guess.
But that big ol’ ego and pride didn’t want to face telling everyone SYKE! I’m staying lol ahahah -_-.
I couldn’t even bring myself to write anything on this blog for a while, I think it’s been about a month. I didn’t want to make a post all about how I have done an entire 180 flip on my life.
This post isn’t about that. That was just introductory context.
I’m sat here, still technically in my 3 month sabbatical (3 month unemployment before Taiwan), Now with a looming further 2 months of unemployment until I begin my teacher training (ya girl got on her dream course to become a proper teacher – only took 8 years to have the courage!). I’ve already ranted on here about how much I hate being unemployed. It’s more, I can’t stand having nothing to do.
That’s when the mind demons come out to play and toy with your thoughts and feelings.
I did rejoin my favourite gym, I was momentarily busy finding a house with my friend and applying for my teacher training course. That kept me busy for all of 2 ish weeks. With lack of unemployment comes lack of money too which severely hinders my ability to do things.
But what I’ve come to realise is, having all this time to think, and over think and feel frustrated and bored and lifeless, it makes me think this is how the future is going to be.
Maybe it’s more, being out of the present mentally, and having too much time to worry about the future. Having thoughts about how it will be, combined with how I am currently feeling in this current moment makes me feel like the future will be just as empty, frustrating and lonely. It’s like I am associating thoughts of the future with bad feelings which fills me with dread.
But when I am busy doing something I enjoy there’s no time to feel bad and therefore no time to dread the future (Eckhart Tolle preaches that being present and mindful is the key to happiness which I wholeheartedly agree with).
So I sit here and I attempt to remind myself that how I am feeling now is only temporary. It will pass. Because boyyyyy when I start teacher training I won’t even have time to scratch my butt let alone feel doom.
A lot of these feelings and thoughts link in with single life and dating and where I stand with all that. I’m spending a lot of time alone currently, which I don’t mind, but I am more extroverted so would rather socialise more given the choice. So when I’m in a funk having not spoken to someone face to face in a while, I start thinking oh I should start dating people, that will solve everything. But then I quickly realise that’s a short term distraction that when I really think about it, I don’t want to be in a relationship right now, I believe I got to where I am right now, finally learning to be selfish and focused on myself in the last couple of years, I can’t give up that momentum now just as I begin training for my dream job!
I guess what this rambling post is about, is just knowing these uncomfortable, frustrating, limbo times are only temporary and we have to get through them the best we can. Ideally we could learn something from them, or use the time wisely, I am trying to focus on fitness and going to the gym as that’s the only thing I have that’s regular currently.
Just trying to tell myself it’ll pass.