I Want To Chop My Boobs Off

I’ve had boobs, bewbs, boobies, titties, tiddies since about 9 years old.

9 YEARS OLD.

A kid, navigating life as these fat lumps that everyone is obsessed with develop on my chest. I wore a huge body warmer everyday at school, even when it was a boiling hot day. I refused to take it off as I hid my developing chest from the world.

I hated it. I was the first to grow boobs in my year group at school. No one told me what was going on, no one told me how others would react and that it’s totally normal. I mean, I wasn’t totally oblivious, I knew the biology behind it, but the social side of these changes I was ignorant to and it was uncomfortable.

They grew and grew and grew. Then they were huge. I was known as the girl with the blue eyes and the big boobs at secondary school. Unknown to me that was how the boys referred to me. Not in a horrible, malicious way, from what I understood it was more affection, admiration, and fancying. But nonetheless I was mortified that that was what I was reduced to.

As a young female you quickly learn the power your body has on others, but like me and so many other young females you don’t fully grasp the concept of boundaries and respect. The attention seems to be good. Therefore I must expose more of myself, allow myself to be objectified by males, that is the role of the female in a young girls mind.

Years and years of having my chest being the focal point of most people’s gaze and comments I was incredible self conscious. With them being so big I also felt overweight no matter how much weight I lost. I lost 32 pounds about 5 years ago (because I was overweight for real) and it did nothing to my chest. I was gutted. I really wanted smaller boobies.

Years of discomfort, can’t do fitness, very self conscious when moving my body, clothes not fitting properly, feeling the need to cover up because of the way people stare, led me to research breast reduction surgery.

Of course this is a drastic option, we could try loving ourselves a bit more, or losing weight blah blah. I’ve done those. I do actually like my body. But the practicality of my chest and the way it looks in clothes is what I want to change. I have no doubt I will still get people staring at my boobs because they’re boobs and everyone loves boobs. But I want to be able to run and do other sports without the hinderance. I’ve lost a lot of weight before so that didn’t resolve it.

I am going through my doctors to see if I can get this procedure done for free. It makes it very real though. Makes me think oh hang on do I really want to do this? But I feel like I am living half a life with these boobs. I am stuck carrying this excess that has given me physical and mental discomfort since I was 9 years old.

Years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing this because then the boys won’t like me!?!?! Now, who gives a fuck! I’m doing this for ME!

Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash